My recipe for those delectable patties includes the fattiest cuts of pork and beef the butcher could possibly provide.
Category: The Unedited Version
Herbert and the Children’s Farm
Not so deep down, I think he hated it. I think he hated me more. Mom, however, loved it. When she had dad saw off my foot with a blue kitchen knife, the serrated edges that look like waves, Mom wanted to get my name tattooed on my foot.
Good Samaritan Snow Day
Other than that my shovel resides comfortable on top of the two frozen solid cases of water used as both emergency weapons and weight to prevent my car, Linus, from fishtailing.
An Epiphany
however, it is most certainly a reminder to all readers that by embracing the quirks that make you who you are, you will thrive. You will do much better in life knowing who you are while discovering who you are growing to be.
Fast Speeds and Sweaty Assholes
Now I’m curious, because I’m going a lot faster earlier on in my workout than I usually do, and my asshole is sweating, I have sweat dripping down my face from my eyebrows, and I’m wearing half the clothes than the guy next to me who is essentially trying to race me on treadmills. I didn’t even know assholes could sweat, and this guy wants to go faster?
Essential Oils and Heartfelt Sincerity
I’m a highly routine and completely spontaneous person. I have the things I love and everything else I try, and enjoy, is just a bonus. Tonight I went to an essential oils “make and take” hosted by someone who knew me when I was young enough to still have a shot at being normal.
Department of Many Vexations
The highlight of the trip came when it was Gram’s turn to get her picture taken. This is a woman whose hands fly to her hip as her right foot juts out forward to a point and smiles like she’s Monroe or Hepburn when she thinks she sees a camera. After two pictures she found appalling, and trying to explain to her the best way to go about having her picture taken, I finally stood her where she had to go, and smushed her face around like putty with my fingers until she had a devilish smirk and no teeth showing.
Flat Tires and Fruit Platters
My chiropractor checked out my tires, of some questionably foreign make, and gave me directions to the nearest gas station with a working air pump machine. Of course the three nearest ones are known for having fritzy air machines, when I need something as free and available as air it would be in short supply. Even though I have an irrational fear of things that explode (specifically: plastic balloons, the refrigerated biscuits in the tube containers, and glass in the oven or holding a candle) my two tires, flatter than a pre-pubescent girl’s chest, were the only things standing between me and my loving boyfriend and the delicious dinner.
Saturday Overtime Can Ki.. SQUIRREL!!!
I waved, catching his attention and told him I was getting ready to head out when I heard this noise – it was something akin to a person fighting for their life, and people moving furniture in the condo upstairs.
Post-Resolution (Why I Will Never Be a Gym Person)
Somehow between the movie and the fear for my life, I managed to walk a full 60 minutes and tackle almost a full 4 miles at varying speeds. If only my grandmother could see me now, smiling with tears in my eyes, wearing a non-matching, dumpy outfit sweating like a pig in a butcher’s backyard next to a man holding a gas mask… some people have to pay a lot more than twenty a month for that action.